Birthday Presents to Survive the Apocalypse

So it’s my birthday today (yes, life just apparently began a couple of years ago…) and it’s made me wonder  – what present would best suit someone wanting to survive an apocalypse? And I’m not talking expensive gifts here – I don’t want to put anyone out *wink* And as it IS the end of the world type stuff, I think it’d only be practical to put the implements/gifts to more use than one.

Okay…

Zombie weapons.

A shovel. Simple, effective. And as a side bonus, great for clearing up zombie body parts and goo and such like.

A cricket bat. Easy to hold, light portable. Can easily take off zombie's dried up husks-for-heads. And in a pinch, could make an extra thick piece of kindling for a fire.

Alien weapons.

An army jacket. Great to curl up into a ball while shivering with fear and pretending to be part of landscape. Also good for keeping the cold out (cause nothing’s going to kill those alien suckers)

A torch/flashlight. Bright light beam directly into aliens bug-eyes when counteracting midnight abduction (repeat above para: nothing’s going to kill those alien suckers). Also good to put to use for Morse code light signals, cause we all know SOS.

Natural disaster weapons.

A bottle of Wild Turkey or similar. My daughter bought me a couple of these, and I’m feeling pretty good. Guess not much else is going to do a lot of good. Doubles as a fire starter.

Another bottle of Wild Turkey or similar. For when first runs out. (and hey, nothing stops mother nature’s fury)

So it’s late and I’m tired and I'm almost really, really old. Any other suggestions for suitable, cheap weapons would be much appreciated =))

ps: I've used the word 'apocalypse' so often now I can actually spell it. Guess I won't be asking for a dictionary for my birthday now...